BETELGEUSE

You could use a buddy
Don't you want a pal?
"Yes I do! Yes I do!"
Girl, the way I see it
Your daddy should be leavin'
And you should stick around

[spoken
And kill him!

LYDIA, spoken

What?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Nothing.

[sung
So, Lydia, don't end yourself
Defend yourself
Daddy is the one you should maim
Together we'll exterminate, assassinate

LYDIA

No!

BETELGEUSE

The finer points can wait
But first you gotta say my name!

Go ahead and jump but that won't stop him
Here you got a solid plan B option
I can bring your daddy so much pain
All you gotta do is say my name

Girl, just say it three times in a row
And you won't believe how far I'll go
I'm on the bench, but Coachu2014
Just put me in the game
All you gotta do is say my name

LYDIA, spoken

I don't know your name.

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Well, I can't say it.

LYDIA, spoken

How 'bout a game of charades?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Yes, let's play it!

LYDIA, spoken

Two words...

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Right.

LYDIA, spoken

Second word?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Uh-huh.

LYDIA, spoken

Drink?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

No.

LYDIA, spoken

Beverage?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

No.

LYDIA, spoken

Wine?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

No!

LYDIA, spoken

Juice?!

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Yes!

LYDIA, spoken

Okay. First word...

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Okay.

LYDIA, spoken

Bug?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

No.

LYDIA, spoken

Ant?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Close, but no.

LYDIA, spoken

Beetle?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Yes!

LYDIA, spoken

Beetle-juice?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Wow, I'm impressed. And all you gotta do is say my name three times. Three times in a row, it must be spoken unbroken. Ready?

LYDIA, spoken

Yeah...

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Okay, go.

LYDIA, spoken

Betelgeuse...

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Yes...

LYDIA, spoken

Betelgeuse...

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Yes...

LYDIA, spoken

Beeu2014

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Oh! Oh! This is gonna be so good!

LYDIA, spoken

u2014cause!

BETELGEUSE, spoken

What?

LYDIA

You're so smart
A stand-up bro
I'll think about your offer
Let you know
But I prefer my chances down below
Betelgeuse

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Yes!

LYDIA

Betelgeuse

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Yes!

LYDIA

Being young and female
Doesn't mean that I'm an easy mark
I've been swimmin' with piranhas
I don't need a shark
Yes, life sucks
But not that much
Okay, Betelgeuse
Betelgeuse
Be a doll and spare the lecture

BETELGEUSE

I'm offering you a full-time specter

LYDIA

Are you any good?

BETELGEUSE

You betcha
Trust me, baby!

LYDIA

I just met ya
Really, it's a flattering offer

BETELGEUSE

Don't you wanna see Dad suffer?

LYDIA

I think I'd rather just jump off

BETELGEUSE

No!

LYDIA

I may be suicidal
But Betelgeuse, it's not as if I've lost my mind

BETELGEUSE, spoken

So, playing hardball, huh? You are tougher than you look.

LYDIA, spoken

Just wanna make sure I know who I'm working with. Got any references?

BARBARA, spoken

Lydia, there you are!

ADAM, spoken

Are you alright?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

A-Dog, B-Town, my old pals!

ADAM, spoken

Get away from her! Lydia, this is a dangerously unstable individual.

BETELGEUSE possesses BARBARA and ADAM.

BARBARA

Betelgeuse is sexy!

ADAM

Betelgeuse is smart!

BARBARA & ADAM

BJ is a graduate of Juilliard!
He can help
We found him on Yelp
Our troubles all ended on the day that we befriended him
Every word is the truth
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse!

BARBARA, spoken

What the heck was that?

ADAM, spoken

So violating!

BETELGEUSE, spoken

There you go, kid. Couple of five-star reviews.

LYDIA, spoken

What was that?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

That was possession. Any ghost can do that in less than one lesson.

LYDIA, spoken

Any ghost?

BETELGEUSE, spoken

Pretty much, any ghost'll do, sure.

LYDIA, spoken

Then, Betelgeuse... what do I need you for?

BETELGEUSE

Whoa, whoa
Whoa whoa whoa!
Hold up! Hold up, girl!
I'm your pal
They're sweet, but I'm a demon straight from Hell
I know, I went a little hard on the sell
But we're BF-F-F-F's forever!

LYDIA pushes BETELGEUSE off of the roof of the house.

Agh!

ADAM & BARBARA, spoken

Lydia!

LYDIA, spoken

What? He was already dead. And you heard what he said, any ghost can do that possession stuff.

[sung
We don't need that demon
The three of us alone can wreck dad's evening
Together we can make a grown man weep
Guys, I got a dinner date to keep

ADAM, spoken

Okay, so what's the plan?

LYDIA, [ADAM & BARBARA]

Teach dad a lesson
He's gonna freak when we possess him
So, he wants the perfect daughter
I'll lead that lamb to slaughter
Yeah, I got game!
I'm gonna make him say my name
[Make him say your name
I'll make him say my name
[Make him say your name
I'll make him say my name
[Make him say your name
Not running away!
I'll make him say my name!

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