VERONICA, spoken

September 1st, 1989
Dear Diary:
I believe I'm a good person. You know, I think that there's good in everyone, but—here we are! First day of senior year! And uh... I look around at these kids that I've known all my life and I ask myself—what happened?

KIDS, sung

Freak! Slut! Burnout! Bug-eyes! Poser! Lard-ass!

VERONICA

We were so tiny, happy and shiny
Playing tag and getting chased

KIDS

Freak! Slut! Loser! Shortbus!

VERONICA

Singing and clapping, laughing and napping
Baking cookies, eating paste

KIDS

Bull-dyke! Stuck-up! Hunchback!

VERONICA

Then we got bigger, that was the trigger
Like the Huns invading Rome

[spoken
Oh, sorry!

[sung
Welcome to my school, this ain't no high school
This is the Thunderdome

Hold your breath and count the days, we're graduating soon

KIDS

White trash!

VERONICA

College will be paradise, if I'm not dead by June!

But I know, I know, life can be beautiful
I pray, I pray for a better way
If we changed back then, we could change again
We can be beautiful...

A PREPPY STUD knocks a HIPSTER DORK to the floor.

HIPSTER DORK, spoken

Ow!

VERONICA, sung

Just not today

[spoken
Hey, are you okay?

HIPSTER DORK, spoken

Get away, nerd

VERONICA, spoken

Oh, okay

KIDS, sung

Freak! Slut! Cripple! Homo! Homo! Homo!

VERONICA

Things will get better soon as my letter
Comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown
Wake from this coma, take my diploma
Then I can blow this town
Dream of ivy-covered walls and smoky French cafés

VERONICA jostles RAM SWEENEY.

RAM, spoken

Watch it!

VERONICA

Fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze!

RAM upends VERONICA'S lunch tray.

RAM, spoken

Ooooops

VERONICA, spoken

Ram Sweeney. Third year as linebacker and eighth year of smacking lunch trays and being a huge dick

RAM, spoken

What did you say to me, skank?

VERONICA, spoken

Aah, nothing!

sung,, [KIDS]

But I know, I know...
I know, I know...
Life can be beautiful
Beautiful
I pray, I pray
I pray, I pray
For a better way
For a better way
We were kind before;
[Oooh...
We can be kind once more
[Oooh...
We can be beautiful..
[Oooh... Beautiful...]

MARTHA approaches.

VERONICA, spoken

Agh!... Hey Martha

MARTHA, spoken

Hey

MARTHA helps VERONICA pick up her tray.

VERONICA, spoken

Martha Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers

MARTHA, spoken

We on for movie night?

VERONICA, spoken

Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail

MARTHA, spoken

I rented "The Princess Bride."

VERONICA, spoken

Ho-ho-ho, again? Wait, don't you have it memorized by now?

MARTHA, spoken

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending

KURT, spoken

Martha Dumptruck! Wide load! Honnnnnk!

KURT KELLY knocks the tray from MARTHA'S hands.

KURT, spoken

Hahaaa!

VERONICA, spoken

Kurt Kelly. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team. Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf

KURT, spoken

Haha! Alriiight!

VERONICA, spoken [furious, to KURT

Hey! Pick that up! Right now!

KURT, spoken

I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?

VERONICA, spoken

Yes, I am. I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend. You're a high school has-been waiting to happen. A future gas station attendant

KURT, spoken

...You have a zit right there...

KURT and KIDS laugh

VERONICA, spoken

Dear diary:

[sung
Why....

HIPSTER DORK

Why do they hate me?

REPUBLICAN GIRL

Why don’t I fight back?

KURT

Why do I act like such a creep?

VERONICA

Why…

MARTHA

Why won’t he date me?

RAM

Why did I hit him?

STONER CHICK, MS. FLEMING & BLOW-DRIED PREPPY

Why do I cry myself to sleep?

VERONICA

Why…

KIDS

Somebody hug me!
Somebody fix me!
Somebody save me!

KIDS & VERONICA

Send me a sign, God!
Give me some hope, here!
Something to live for!

The three HEATHERS enter.

KIDS

Ahh! Heather, Heather, and Heather!

VERONICA, spoken

And then there's the Heathers. They float above it all

KIDS

I love Heather, Heather, and Heather

VERONICA, spoken, [KIDS]

Heather McNamara, head cheerleader. Her dad is loaded—he sells engagement rings
[I hate Heather, Heather, and Heather]

Heather Duke, runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants
[I want Heather, Heather, and Heather
And Heather Chandler, the Almighty
She is a mythic bitch
[I need Heather, Heather—]

VERONICA, spoken

They're solid Teflon—never bothered, never harassed
I would give anything to be like that

KIDS

Mmmm...

HIPSTER DORK, spoken

I'd like to be their boyfriend

KIDS

That would be beautiful...
Mmmm...

STONER CHICK, spoken

If I sat at their table, guys would notice me

KIDS

So beautiful...
Ooooh...

MARTHA, spoken

I'd like them to be nicer

KIDS

That would be beautiful...
Ooooh...

BELEAGUERED GEEK, spoken

I'd like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats

VERONICA enters the girls' bathroom. HEATHER CHANDLER and MCNAMARA are watching HEATHER DUKE vomit into a toilet.

HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken

Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.

HEATHER MCNAMARA, spoken

Maybe you should see a doctor, Heather

HEATHER DUKE, spoken

Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should

MS. FLEMING, spoken

Ah, Heather and Heather

HEATHER DUKE vomits.

...and Heather. Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting. You're late for class

VERONICA scribbles on a piece of paper.

HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken

Heather wasn't feeling well. We're helping her

MS. FLEMING, spoken

Not without a hall pass, you're not. Week's detention

VERONICA, spoken

Um, actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee

MS. FLEMING, spoken

...I see you're all listed. Hurry up and get where you're going

HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken

This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?

VERONICA, spoken

Uh... Veronica Sawyer. I crave a boon

HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken

What boon?

VERONICA, spoken

Um. Let me sit at your table, at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary. If people think that you guys tolerate me, then they'll leave me alone...

HEATHERS laugh

Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes

HEATHER DUKE, spoken

How about prescriptions?

HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken

Shut up, Heather

HEATHER DUKE, spoken

Sorry, Heather

HEATHER CHANDLER inspects VERONICA'S face.

HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken

For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure

HEATHER MCNAMARA, spoken

And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves. That's very important

HEATHER DUKE, spoken

Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds

HEATHER CHANDLER, sung

And ya know, ya know, ya know?
This could be beautiful
Mascara, maybe some lip gloss
And we're on our way
Get this girl some blush;
And Heather, I need your brush
Let's make her beautiful

HEATHER MCNAMARA, sung

Let's make her beautiful...

HEATHER DUKE, sung

Let's make her beautiful...

HEATHER CHANDLER

Make her beautiful...

[spoken
Okay?

VERONICA, spoken

Okay!

Another day, another hellish lunch.

KURT

Out of my way, geek!

BELEAGUERED GEEK

I don't want trouble—

RAM

You're gonna die at 3pm!

REPUBLICANETTE & NEW WAVE GIRL

Don't you dare touch me! Get away, pervert!

BELEAGUERED GEEK

What did I ever do to them?

KIDS

Who could survive this?
I can't escape this!
I think I'm dying!

MS. FLEMING

Who's that with Heather?

THE HEATHERS enter again...

KIDS, spoken

Whoa

[sung
Heather, Heather, Heather...

NEW WAVE GIRL

And someone!

KIDS

Heather, Heather, Heather...

GOWAN & COACH

And a babe!

KIDS

Heather, Heather, Heather...

MARTHA, spoken

Veronica?!

KIDS

Veronica? Veronica? Veronica!

THE HEATHERS part, revealing a smoking hot VERONICA who has been given a make-over.

VERONICA,, [KIDS]

And you know, you know, you know
[Ooohhhh!
Life can be beautiful
[Aaahhh! Beautiful!
You hope, you dream, you pray
[Ooohhhh!
And you get your way!
[Aaahhh!
Ask me how it feels
[Beautiful!
Lookin' like hell on wheels...
[Ooohhhh!
My God, it's beautiful!
[Aaahhh! Beautiful!
I might be beautiful...
[Beautiful!
And when you're beautiful...
[Aaahhh!]

VERONICA

It's a beautiful frickin' day!

KIDS

Heather! Heather! Heather! Veronica!
Heather! Heather! Heather! Veronica!
Veronica! Veronica! Veronica!
Veronicaaaaa!

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